Merry Fucking Christmas

You know that Southpark song? The really offensive one about forcing Christmas on non-Christians? Yeah, I think it's pretty funny, too. Especially when you're singing it at the top of your lungs with your sister in the car on the way to visit your mother and Muslim stepfather on Christmas Day -- "hey there Mr. Muslim, merry fucking Christmas... in case you hadn't noticed it's Jesus's birthday, so get off your heathen Muslim ass and fucking celebrate!"

So my holiday was INSANE. I mean this with respect to two different connotations of the word, the first being simply "busy" and "hectic." Much running around to various houses and meeting various members of the new step family. Gift exchanging, food eating, wine drinking (thank GAWD).

The second, less fun, though far more predictable connotation of "insane" would be "insane," as in "sanity deficient," as in "my mother sobbing uncontrollably in the parking lot of Video Warehouse." The story is long and involved, so I'll just leave you with the highlights. It all started with the ATM eating my mom's card, and it was downhill from there. The situation degenerated into my sister confronting my mother about making us feel guilty for doing "family" things with our stepmother. My mother then proceded to rip my sister a new one and have a total meltdown... with my sister and me trapped in her tiny-ass Ford Focus. Another handful of shit was thrown at the fan when Mom asked me to "put my two cents in." She literally ASKED for it. UGH! This was all made intensely ironic by the cheerful Christmas music lilting from the radio... "it's the most wonderful time of the year!"

Despite the maternal meltdown, I actually had a pretty bitchin' Christmas. I got lots of great prezzies and ate tons of tasty treats. The biggest surprise came from my friends. Lynn coordinated a BUNCH of my buddies from school, and they pooled their resources to buy me an iPod!! And they all signed this huuuge homemade collage Christmas card that Lynn hand-delivered to my dad at work (he was in on the whole thing, too!). I was so touched, I almost teared up! That takes a lot... I'm not a crier by any means. Everybody wrote such nice things! And Zach wrote something about Santa leaving me a hot chick in my stocking, but fortunately Lynn had the good sense to "parent-proof" that portion by covering it with a Post-It. Good call, Lynn.

And to top it all off, I think I might sort of have a kind-of date this week! Sometime. I'm not sure. I haven't exactly solidified anything. At all. But I am definitely excited (I don't get out much). I'll be sure to give you nosy bastids an update as soon as I know what's going on. Because I'm awesome like that.

Shut up! Yes I am! Ass.