self-analysis and other such bullshit

I think the reason I'm dragging my figurative feet with this whole job-finding thing is, at least in part, that I am completely terrified. I'm not so much worried that I won't find a job -- I'm worried that the job(s) I find will suck hairy mountain goat ass and will make me want to retreat into the wilds of Montana and start sending out letter bombs... which has its charms, but it's been done.

Childhood and adolescent delusions of career grandeur have long since been discarded (astronaut, doctor, NBA star, general, etc.), and I'm now in the market for a job that pays more than minimum wage, offers benefits (to support my prescription drug habit), and only occasionally makes me want to kill and/or maim my fellow human beings and/or myself.

Despite years of experience in being utterly helpless, it still frustrates me to no end that I have little or no control over ANYTHING AT ALL. I've always been a bit of a control freak, and while I can understand and even accept my inability to control things extrinsic to myself, I simply cannot stomach the fact that I am unable to control my own damn emotions. No matter how hard I reason, how impressively I rationalize, I can't change my stupid feelings. They're just there, mocking me. Those bastards.