Sickness of Doooooom!

UGH!

I am not well. I'm not sure exactly what my illness is, but it shall henceforth be referred to as "The Sickness of Doom". It's probably something viral, so I think I'll just wait it out. I'm too poor to go to a real doctor, and the Student Death -- er, Health -- Center is pretty worthless and will just tell me it's allergies... or that I'm probably pregnant, because obviously all college women are completely irresponsible wanton sexmongers who will fuck anything in fraternity letters.

Now be prepared, because you're about to get some TMI of a non-sexual, decidedly un-fun nature. It is most definitely a Bad Thing when you have a deep, chest-rattling cough in conjunction with, shall we say, the runs. Forceful contraction of abdominal muscles (coughing) is NOT conducive to maintaining colon-control. Only badness can result from this combination (no, I have NOT shat myself... I've been very careful!). Needless to say, I've stocked up on cough drops and Immodium, and I have hunkered down on the living room couch with blankets and pillows and Louie and homework that I haven't bothered to look at all day. And I did laundry. And went to Target, because I ran out of fabric softener and Louie ran out of food. And I tend to lose control at Target, and I'd just paid down my credit card a little, so I splurged and bought Aladdin on DVD (I love that movie!) and then I remembered that I needed some carwash because my car is FILTHY, and then when I went to the pet department to buy food for Louie, I remembered Pisser's Feline Pine recommendation, so I picked up a bag of that, too. So a two-item trip became a godknowshowmany-item trip. Oh yeah, and I bought a pack of gum at the checkout, too. Those bastards get me with the gum EVERY TIME!

I'm all for retail therapy, but it just doesn't do much for chest congestion or the runs. But at least my clothes will be soft and Downy fresh, Louie won't starve, his litterbox won't reek so badly, my car will sparkle in the (lack of) sunlight (if I survive to actually wash the sucker), I will have another movie to watch if I end up couch-bound tomorrow, and my breath is minty fresh thanks to the good people at Wrigley's who make Orbit gum.

Now if you'll excuse me, I feel another coughing fit coming on...