Limbo lower now... how low can you go?

I know I can go low; I'd just prefer not to hit rock bottom again if I can avoid it. But I do feel like I'm in limbo... like I'm waiting for something to happen, like everything I do is just in the meantime until whatever is supposed to happen happens. And now I'm babbling incoherently. Great. I guess I'm just going through that early-20s, finishing college, having no idea what the hell I'm doing phase. Which I'm told can last into my 30s or 40s. Which basically means that it's not a phase but is actually just life, but no one wants to admit that they don't have their shit together, so they pretend like it's just a temporary affliction. Which, when you think about it, is basically what life is -- a temporary affliction. How you deal with it, what you make of the cards you're dealt is what makes it good, bad, or ugly. Thus endeth Killy's pointless philosophical drivel of the day.

Speaking of which, I have a philosophy midterm tomorrow: "contemporary moral issues". Thus far we've covered freedom of speech, flag burning, pornography, and affirmative action. The class is actually pretty interesting, and I enjoy the lecture/discussion combo, but I've heard that my professor's exams are wicked hard, so I'm less than thrilled about tomorrow's test. And I'm still sick, so my brain is all fuzzy and snot-laden (hot, I know)... not conducive to critical thinking. Whatever. I've reached the "fuck it" stage of my college career. Exam tomorrow? Fuck it. You're sick, Killy, you shouldn't be at mug night drinking yourself retarded on Woodchuck Cider. Fuck it! Going to the gay student union meeting tonight and thereby outing yourself to the public at large may not be the best idea. FUCK IT!!! I'm doing it anyway!

So, about that last thing. I'm actually a little bit nervous. My (gay) friend Nick is gonna go with me (he went last year but hasn't been to any meetings this year), so it should be a little less traumatic. But the whole thing is still pretty scary. From what I've heard, the group is pretty tight-knit, so I'm already coming in as an outsider, not to mention the fact that I'm a newbie to the whole "gay scene" anyway. I don't like being the new girl; it draws too much attention to me and my awkward social retardedness. And going to the meeting is a pretty big step as far as the whole "outing" process goes, because it's a pretty small campus, and word travels fast, especially among minority groups (which are, for the most part, underrepresented here). But I'm pressing onward as a part of my brand new fuck it mentality. We'll see how it goes...