Holding on by a thread...

Sweet tapdancing baby Jesus on a pogo stick, it has been a LONG week!

I'm tired and cranky, and I am growing increasingly impatient with the general populace. I'm about to live up to my pseudonym. It's been that kind of week.

I STILL haven't heard from my dad, which is really starting to piss me off. And it takes a lot for my dad to piss me off... we usually get along abnormally well. HOWEVER, I've called him at least 6 times since yesterday afternoon, and I've left at least 3 voicemails, and he hasn't called me back. Now I know if anything had happened to him, Martha would have called to let me know (although I do have a slight tendency to end up severely out of the loop in full "oh yeah, Dad's in the hospital" fashion). And I've been starving for like 2 weeks and the whole cat adoption issue is kind of time-sensitive. So the whole "no contact" thing is really starting to grate my cheese. He's so goddamn hard to get in touch with! What if I was in the hospital or something?? Jesus! UGH! Okay, enough of that. Onward to more bitching...

I hardly see any of my friends anymore, as they're all so wrapped up in their own lives they can't seem to set aside an hour or two out of their busy weeks to sit down and catch up with me. And then they get pissed later when I haven't told them stuff (you know, important life stuff like my dad getting married, moving to a new house, me figuring out I'm kinda gay). I should, however, take this opportunity to give mad props to Lynn, Hillary, and J.W. for at least making concerted efforts to maintain our friendships. I fucking hate that we have to bust out our schedules and actually plan times to "hang out". I miss being able to just show up at someone's place with a bunch of Chinese food and just watch movies or bitch about stuff.

And another thing... the whole "turning queer" thing is sort of freaking me out a little (some days/hours/minutes more than others). Every once in awhile I'll just step back and sort of examine these last few weeks, and I'll totally panic and get that weird "Did that really happen? Is this really my life?" feeling. Much as I'd like to be, I'm just not fully comfortable with any of this yet. And I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I really am worried about how it will affect the way they see me and interact with me. And that's just my friends. I'm not even CONSIDERING saying anything to my family. I actually had a horrific nightmare last night about coming out to my dad, complete with an argument about biblical literalism and interpretation. God save us all.

So the combined stresses of juggling school and work and editing for the newspaper and starting to come out to my friends and being utterly broke and really hungry and being unable to contact my usually-accessable father and my mother calling me and FLIPPING OUT about her crazy, foreign, abusive mofo of a husband, I'm a little frayed around the ends. I'm doing what I can to keep from snapping, but I can feel that depressive overwhelmed-with-life feeling creeping back up on me. I fucking HATE that. And I REFUSE to let depression and anxiety fuck up another few years, nay even another few DAYS, of my life. I've been to the bad place, and I don't want to go back. I WILL REGAIN CONTROL OF MY LIFE IF IT FUCKING KILLS ME!

Thank you. That is all.