Oh, fergawdsake!

Okay, so I've never been a fan of clothes shopping -- crowds of obnoxious people reinforce my already burgeoning misanthropy, dressing room garment number limitations force me to make 20 trips to and from the little dressing room nazi's desk in various states of undress, unflattering lighting causes my skin to look even more creepily pale and my ass to look ten times wider than it already is, crappy light FM radio piped in serves as a homicide trigger (much like Frankie Goes To Hollywood's "Relax" in the movie Zoolander), inconsistant sizing scales drive me closer to the brink of insanity -- but today was absolutely RIDICULOUS. I spent over an hour in Marshall's today looking for a freakin' pair of pants (trousers for you non-American types) to accommodate my ever-increasing ass. (I'm down to one pair of jeans that fits well, one pair that fits marginally once adequate stretching has taken place, one pair of cords, two pairs of men's pants, and various and sundry ancient drawstringed monstrosities.) Over the last year, I have torn four, yes FOUR, pairs of pants in the crotch and/or butt area... simply by putting them on. (I've also gained a good twenty pounds, which would account for the pants-ripping.)

The problem, however, is not so much with the torn trousers -- they were all past their primes anyway -- it is the fact that I cannot seem to find pants with which to replace said torn trousers. It's as if my size does not exist! So I tried on some 7/8s -- all around too small, some 9/10s were also entirely too small and some fit okay in the waist but thigh and ass regions were too small and would only suffer a fate similar to those previously mentioned four tragic pairs of trousers -- most 11/12s fit the same description as the latter half of the 9/10s, 13/14s -- finally large enough to accommodate thighs and ass (in fact, depending on brand, most were actually TOO large in those particular areas) but were all much too large for my waist. So I migrated to the men's section... with harrowing results. The only pair of jeans I could find that didn't give me a jeanis (jeans penis) and make my ass look all baggy and weird was so short it looked like I was waiting for a flood. I just could't win.

So I bought a five dollar size 8 pair of Abercrombie jeans that doesn't quite fit but might in the future if I lose some of my ass (They actually look okay unless I'm sitting down, then half of my ass presents itself for the world to see. I don't care how attractive you may think my ass is, having it hang out of my jeans is NOT attractive. The hotness of the ass in question is irrelevant.) and a pair of sweatpants, 'cause at this rate I'm beginning to think sweatpants and muumuus are going to become staples of my wardrobe.

Nothin' like dressing for success...

(p.s. This is the first time ever in my life I've actually been insecure and/or pissed off about my weight. I feel like a real actual GIRL now! It kinda sucks...)