What the hell is wrong with me??

I drove Zach home from Lynn and Susan's party tonight. We kissed for a few minutes in my car in front of his building. He invited me in. And I didn't go. I didn't go! What the hell is wrong with me? He's hot and smart and smells good and is one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet, and I am very much attracted to him. So what the fuck is my hangup? What the fuck am I doing? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??

When I got home he'd sent me an instant message that read: "It was really good to see you tonight." In response, I wrote: "It was good to see you, too. I'm sorry if I've been sending mixed messages. I'm just having a hard time figuring out what I want and what the hell I'm doing. If and when my head and heart get put back together, believe me, you'll be the first to know."

Lame, lame, lame, pathetic, and lame.

I fucking hate being all angsty and adolescent-junior-high-school-ish! What is it about relationships that reduces me to an emotional thirteen-year-old?

My life would be SO much easier if I was just asexual.