I just can't look, it's killing me...

Having a sort of lonely night. Susan and Lynn came over earlier -- we grabbed dinner and watched Fahrenheit 9/11 (which, incidentally, I will be forcing my family to watch over Christmas break), but they left a few hours ago. So I've been killing time, not tired enough to sleep, knitting, watching TV (absolutely nothing on). So now I listen to music, and I blog.

I had an interesting conversation on IM with C tonight about my recent loneliness. Basically, I expressed that I've been feeling a void lately due to my lack of a "special someone". And she assured me that I'm never alone, reminding me that I have lots of wonderful friends who love me, a fact of which I am well aware, but I told her it's just not the same. But she made an interesting point -- that a boy/girlfriend is basically just a best friend (with some added sexual benefits, of course). So it occurred to me that, aside from my ever-present sexual frustration, part of the loneliness I've been feeling may be due to my lack of contact with best bud Athena. We've both been so crazy-busy this semester that we've hardly even been able to exchange instant messages in passing, much less talk about anything in-depth.

And as far as physical needs go, my craving for interpersonal contact transcends sexual desire. I honestly just want to be close to someone, to be touched and held and loved, not pushed away or kept at arm's length. Very few of my friends are touchy-feely (hell, I certainly haven't been since I hit adolescence), and a few have been even more physically distant since I came out (which is disappointing, but not surprising).

So I'm left feeling conflicted. I've always prided myself on being strong, independent and self-sufficient. I'm always hesitant to expose my vulnerable emotional underbelly... I guess I've been burned too many times (trust issues abound. Thanks, Mom!). And I'm also left to wonder: if I put myself out there and express my needs, what if nobody is willing to fulfill them? Then I'm left all needy and vulnerable and disappointed.

Dear God, I swear I am channeling my therapist. I'm starting to freak myself out. UGH! Time for bed.